IKEA: RULES OF ENGAGEMENT

Why? Why would I choose to go to IKEA during a sale? Why would I choose to go to IKEA during a Christmas sale of all sales? Why would I go to IKEA in 40 degree heat?!

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I've asked myself this a few times today, because today I did all of the above. So I have decided to write up a few rules for Mr & Mrs Joe Suburban in order to make the IKEA experience on such a day a more pleasant one for........well for me actually.

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1 - DON'T go to IKEA when it's the Xmas sale and it's hitting 40, if you stay home I will be able to duck in and out as I had planned.

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2 - DON'T think when you arrive at IKEA and the line of cars trying to get in is stretching out onto the main road that "It'll be fine, we'll get a park" No it wont and No you wont!

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3 - DON'T bring a pram. Actually....

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4 - DON'T bring the kids, it's not a family day out kinda place at this time of the year, I'm sure they don't want to eat Swedish meatballs in this heat anyway.

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5 - In fact DON'T eat at the IKEA cafe full stop. Why would you eat food cooked in a furniture store? I've always wondered if the food comes in sections and you have to put it all together yourself.

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Step 1: Count all of your components

Step 2: Take cheese and using the all purpose knife included cut it into small cubes

Step 3: Insert pine toothpicks through cheese and into meatballs

Step 4: Chew 8 times and swallow

Step 5: Repeat until all meatballs are finished.

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6 - DON'T go against the flow! See the arrows those clever Swedish designers have placed on the floor for us, they all go in one direction. FOR A REASON. If you forgot something in the kitchen section and you've already made it to rugs, keep going forward, too bad, you stuffed up, pay, leave the store and re enter from the front. YOU MUST OBEY THE FLOW!!

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7 - DON'T stand in the line up at the pay counter with your mobile phone ear piece in, talking so loudly that even those 5 counters away can hear you. We really don't give a toss that Dean is acting suspiciously, nor do we care if Tracey is a fool for taking him back. We're nearing the end of our hellish journey through IKEA, we're hot, we're dishevelled and we just want out and we really really don't want to listen to your life story.

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8 - DON'T stand in the pick up area complaining about how you "F##king hate this store, they always take so f##king long" It's the XMAS SALE what did you expect, have you not noticed the 72 other people crammed into this tiny room with you.

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9 - NO!! All of the TV's are plastic, you cannot plug one in to watch the cricket whilst the wife shops (should have stayed home and minded the kids - see rule No 4)

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and the most important rule of all.........

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10 - SEE rule number 1