Two days ago I got a phone call from one of my oldest buddies. "I have bad news man, Jacqueline has died"
Those who know me, know I can talk, always have something to say and often they'd like me to shut the hell up. So when my buddy says "You ok? Rare that you are at a loss for words dude" you know it's serious. To say I was floored is an understatement, I truly had no words, only a sinking feeling in my chest.
Let me tell you about Jac, Jacq, Jackie, Jacqueline. She was my first real love, I have been in love a total of four times in my life, Jac was my very first. I met her when I was 18. I met her on a blind date set up by the very guy who rang me with this news. His new girlfriend (now wife) was Jac's best friend at the time. The moment I saw this tall, lithe, beautiful girl walk through my front door I knew I was in love. Honestly, that's how I felt. I kissed her that night and from that kiss on I couldn't stop thinking about her and I couldn't wait for our next date.
I had no idea why this girl liked me, to be fair I never understand why any of the beautiful women I've loved liked me, but like me she did. She liked me for almost two more years, and even then she liked me on a few random occasions for two more years.
I used to go to her house for family dinners every Monday night. They were fairly formal dinners at the formal dinner table in the formal dining room at her parents big expensive house. For a kid like me, who grew up on the "other" side of town, I was impressed. After dinner we would always head into the sun room and make out while her parents were upstairs.
I introduced Jac to nightclubs, late night bars and cafes, we had a lot of fun. She was full of life, just discovering life, just discovering her love for creating fashion and just starting to do modelling. It was a hell of a good ride, did I mention that we had a lot of fun.
It eventually ended, as almost all young love does, we discover other things and other people, but she was always with me. I thought about her many many times over the years. I even bumped into her occasionally, I didn't always say hello, like the time I saw her with her daughter. I just didn't think I should, my brain works in weird ways at times. I knew she had married and had a child, I knew she had set up home in a particular suburb, just snippets of a life. Normal bits you hear about here and there.
I hadn't heard much over the last bunch of years, until this week. The news of her passing was made worse when it turns out that this girl I fell in love with, this girl who was full of life and had the best smile ever had ended her own life. She ended it on my birthday, on Saturday 13th November 2021.
This is what I am struggling with and I hope that writing this helps me understand it a bit more than I do. How did her life take her in this direction? Why didn't she seek help, why the hell didn't someone help her?
Likely I will never know and I'll come to terms with it, but right now it hurts bad. I've had a cry or two and that's helped. Friends have reached out and that's really helped. I guess all I have left to say is that if you are hurting, if life seems pointless, please reach out, your friends are there for you, someone is always there for you... you are loved.
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