I used to drive a taxi/cab. Why? I often ask myself that, it was a shitty job, but it got me through 2 years of university, so it served a purpose. I was telling a few stories from those days to a friend recently and it got me thinking that I should write these stories down before I forget them.
I take thee to be my....
It's a Saturday afternoon, it's pretty warm and the skies clear and blue. A great day for a wedding or maybe sail a yacht.
I get a fare, a father and son. They want to go to JoJo's restaurant down on the swan river, they have a yacht moored at the jetty there and are gonna take it for a sail.
Nice people, we pull into JoJo's carpark, they give me a nice tip and they shoot off to their boat. I put the money away and notice to my left a big stretch limo pulling up alongside me, a wedding! Great day for one.
I see the bride and other wedding party members slip out of the limo. They're looking happy, as they should. I slip the car into reverse and just as I tap the accelerator I notice a little kid run behind my car. I slam on the brakes! Man am I happy when I see the bride swoop down and pick him up safe and sound.
"Damn" I mutter to myself, "People should watch their kids in a carpark!"
Anyway no harm done, I go to reverse away again when suddenly a member of the wedding party, a guy, shaved head, goatee, cheap/tacky rental suit, leans into my passenger side window.
"You fucking arsehole, you almost ran over my nephew!!"
"Whoa man, I saw him just in time and it's you lot who have to be watchin out for the kids, it's hard to see everything from in here" I yell back.
He leans in further, beer can in hand (all class) and spits a wad of saliva onto my collar and neck!!!!
"What the fuck"
I'm out of the car in a nano second - breaking all the rules of taxi driving, as I've now just let go off my life line to base, my alarms and two way radio - but I'm pissed off. Spitting? How low can you go. I front the suit, grab him by the shirt and as he comes at me I thump him fair in the chest, I was aiming for his nose.
He's half drunk, so this punch is enough to send him sprawling onto his his arse and onto the bitumen. I stand over him ready for the reprisal, fists clenched, but he's so disoriented now, he's not gonna hit me.
It's then that I hear the bride scream to my right and 3 more shaved headed goatee dudes charging at me on my left.
"Oh shit, I'm in the shit now!"
Suddenly this huge guy wraps his arms around me in a bear hug, it's the limo driver, he drags me away and he's actually protecting me. The 3 stooges run towards the guy I just decked and help him up.
"You bastard, you told me you were gonna change when you married me, you've changed nothingggggggggg" screamed the bride, tears falling down her face, she collapses onto her butt wailing, bridesmaids attempt to console her.
I quickly put 2 and 2 together.
I just whacked the groom, I just whacked a guy on his wedding day in front of his new bride, the entire wedding party and a heap of arriving guests.
He deserved every bit of it the shithead!!
The limo driver is slowly calming me down and slowly releasing his grip on me.
"What do you want to do?" he asks me, "Do you want to press charges?"
I look at the shithead and his 3 shithead mates, all looking as dumb as they probably are. I see the bride screaming and crying, her arms wailing around, her bridesmaids crying and abusing the groom. The little nephew looking confused.
"Nah man, I'm not gonna do anything to that guy, look around, he's done enough, all by himself"
I jumped in the cab and drive away, shaking my head.
I bet it was a cracker of a reception
"You told me you were gonna change"
Haha, gold!!
You can read the other stories in the series so far by clicking the taxi label below
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