I used to drive a taxi/cab. Why? I often ask myself that, it was a shitty job, but it got me through 2 years of university, so it served a purpose. I was telling a few stories from those days to a friend recently and it got me thinking that I should write these stories down before I forget them.


I just woke up on the couch, result of a smallish hangover from last nights beer and red wine fest. I flicked the TV on and Collateral is on. Story about a cabbie and a hitman, looks good, but the first advert was enough for me to tape it, turn the TV off and watch it later, sans adverts. Made me think about my days driving a cab, realised I hadn't written one of these in awhile either. So better fix that. With a Collateral theme i.e: angry fares.

Usual story, a Friday night, cruising through Subiaco. Subiaco on a Friday night is where it's at money wise. All the "suits" are out and about for their end of working week drinks. Not pleasant fares for the most part, a lot of them are drunken self important wankers who look down at a cabbie as a loser and a necessary evil, not all, but a lot.

It gets busy as hell around the bar closing time of midnight, those who aren't moving onto the clubs need cabs. So it was around this time that I pulled up to the rank outside the Subi hotel. Now keep in mind that even though the majority of Australians are the progeny of British ancestors, we didn't hold onto the ability to queue in an orderly fashion, something the Brits are expert at. Aussies just stand around in a group and kind of know who's first.

Not this time.

As soon as I pull up the back doors open either side of the cab and a two girls jump in, fine except these two aren't actually together.

Girl 1: "Hey get out this is our cab"

Girl 2: "Fuck off this is our cab"

G1: "Get fucked bitch we've been here longer"

G2: "Like hell you have, now get the fuck out"

Now I am loathe to interfere with warring females, it can get nasty if you get between them. So I was glad when G1's boyfriend gave her a tug on the arm and told her to get out.

G2: "Yeah do what he says you cow and get the fuck out"

Boy1: "Shut your mouth slut, she's getting out"

Boy2: "Watch you're own mouth you wanker"

Oh great, here we go, if only they'd get out of the car I could drive off and leave them to their sad pathetic lives. But no, G2 isn't budging, problem for her though is that her boy B2 is now lunging across the rear of the cab at B1............and it's on. The boyfriends are going blow for blow, the girlfriends are screaming at them to stop......whoa there sisters, you should have thought of that before you both started to behave like street trash.

G1 now leans into the cab and face smacks G2, then she rears out of the cab and attacks the two guys, G1 decides she can inflict more harm to G2 if she gets out of the cab and does just that.

Now I'd love to just drive off at this stage but the two rear doors are wide open, so I have to get out and close each one, dodging flying handbags and fists as I do so. I finally get back to the controls and the passenger front door swings open and a huge guy jumps in, "lets go" we say in unison and we both start laughing out loud, I look at him and realise that its Danny Milosevic (he used to be the goalkeeper for Perth Glory, an Australian National Soccer League team from Perth as well as Leeds United and others)

"Ha, didn't you used to play for Leeds?"

"Yeah, but what the hell was that all about""

"Man this is a surreal night, I'll tell ya along the way, where you wanna go?"

You can read the other stories in the series so far by clicking the taxi label below