Recently whilst moving house I was packing up my shelves of books and I rediscovered an old book I'd found at a garage sale years ago. It's called On Becoming a Man....

Chapter 6 - All Gay men are both older and paedophiles, so look out Johnny

The first time I skimmed this chapter I laughed at the premise that gay relationships only occur between older men and young boys. Then on a second read I realised that it was more than that, what the author is saying is that all gay men are paedophiles who prey on young boys. This is the only possible explanation for being gay...although a second reason is offered a bit later in the piece, I'll get to that.

Not sure if using excerpts for this bit is enough, you really have to read all of it to understand the stupidity/hilarity of the reasoning involved. So it begins with a nice description of the gay relationship or "freakish manifestation of human friendship". Then it moves onto the fateful story of a fine young person who was both broad and strong and well proportioned...hang on author you're almost drowning yourself in the theme here, if you mention his lean buttocks I'm going to have to rethink the point of this chapter....

chapter 6 - 1

Luckily the evil gay man was arrested and everyone lived happily heterosexual after, but never drop your guard, they're still lurking. Reading on reveals yet another an interesting tit bit, remember when you thought girls were yuck and if you're a girl that boys were yuck. Well this apparently is the exact point in which you subconsciously decide once and for all whether or not to be a paedophile...sorry gay person. See, if you don't stop thinking of girls or boys as yuck then you're doomed, but your testicles and vag keep developing, so that's a relief. So stay alert at all times, keep your reproductive organs in check, dream of the opposite sex and stay away from older men or women who give you written notes....

chapter 6 - 2

If you succumb to the horrors of homosexuality then your life will become "fixed" and your personality wont fully develop, it's an unwholesome life for you without the benefits of "marriage", well that's actually true if you live in Australia right now isn't it? Know what I'm sayin?

Finally we come to the only other possible reason someone could become gay.....your mother dies whilst you're young....dun dun dun dunnnn!!! Scientific proof right there folks. Oh and just as a last observation, I reckon Jack gives his "special friend" Joanne a right good heterosexual seeing to on that patch of green grass every Saturday night after the movies. Thanks Jack, doing your bit to keep "the gay" away.

chapter 6 - 3

Click here for the other awesome chapters of On Becoming a Man, more to come, so check back later.