From the safety card during my recent flight to Sydney...

Studies have shown that children are completely protected by their booster seat during a crash landing and no further precautions on their behalf need be taken at such a time.
If at anytime you need to dispose of our complimentary in flight gum we have installed these push out windows on all of our Boeing 737 - 800's for your spitting convenience. However please take care where you spit your gum as escaping passengers may become stuck to the wing during an emergency.
rafting trip
Dave was amazed at the service this airline provided on his recent rafting trip in the Americas
party dress
With the simple adjustment of 3 straps you can transform one of our life vests into an amazingly unique party dress for your daughter and relax with the knowledge that she is completely safe at her best friends pool party
If upon landing you do not have the required visa, we recommend people scatter in all directions. This will allow at least some of you to avoid the clutches of the authorities
Australian quarantine laws require you to be sprayed with "this harmless spray" even during an emergency exit
landing 2

If you find that your aircraft has landed on top of the control tower please unbuckle your seat belt immediately and feel free to soil your seat, because we're really not sure how we're going to get you out of this one. "Everyone move to the front of the aircraft?"